The Joy of the Lord is My Strength: Rhea’s Birth Story

Around 8 months into my first pregnancy, I was struck with the reality of child birth – my lifelong worst fear. I began waking up in the middle of the night dreading what lied ahead – fighting to focus on what came after and not the pain involved to get there. I was so afraid I wouldn’t know when to go to the hospital, or I somehow wouldn’t notice or have contractions. I feared the physical exposure and vulnerability of the situation. I feared my anxiety would take hold and I’d labor for hours, fighting against the tension in my body. Then if that happened, my baby would get stuck or hurt and they might have to do a C-section (which I almost elected for just to spare myself the “what ifs”). I was terrified of the pain and how I would react – what if I said something hurtful? What if I broke down or became angry? I didn’t want to be like women on TV who scream in agony and hit their husbands!

All this fear began siphoning the joy of being pregnant. Childbirth was my biggest fear since I was a little girl. Nothing sounded more horrifying than it and it was the number one reason I used to think I didn’t want children until God himself reshaped my heart on the matter in August of 2017. 

The fear was so extreme, but I knew God had started me on this path and I knew I had to trust Him. I began laying these fears at His feet and making my requests known. I asked Him to let my water break so I would see the sign that my baby was ready, whether or not I had contractions. I hoped He would do this in the morning, after I had slept so I could have as much energy as possible. Most importantly, I asked Him to surround me with the peace of His presence, lend me His strength, and empower me with His joy when it was time. I wanted so badly to be a witness to everyone around me. I wanted to go through my worst fear with such grace they wondered where it came from so I could point back to the One who brought me there.

At 7 AM on January 22nd, I was not surprised to wake up feeling like I had wet my pants. I had this constant feeling the day before that my water was going to break the next day – which I assume was the Holy Spirit’s whisper. A surge of joy hit me as I realized what this meant: I was about to meet my baby! The slightest hint of fear tickled me but a deep sense of peace washed it away. The Lord had heard my prayers and concerns. I knew He would take care of me.

I decided to shower then woke my husband up declaring that it was finally time! I double checked with the OB-GYN, then off to the hospital we were.

Oddly enough, I hadn’t felt a single contraction.

They took me into triage where we were met with little urgency. Without any contractions, they probably figured I had just wet my pants after all. Fortunately, after two different tests of the fluid, the nurse came in to tell me my water had definitely broken and we would get to stay and have our baby!

Tears swelled in my eyes – joyful tears. Still no fear. God’s arms were around me in spite of my lifelong fear being before me. They took us to the labor and delivery room which would be my home for the next several hours, hooked me up to an IV, and induced me with oxytocin. 

The nurse informed me that now that the hormone was pumping into my veins, it was just a matter of time before contractions started and grew stronger. 

This is about when I should have been afraid. 

But God smiled on me instead and I felt excited. Whatever pain awaited me – God was with me, fulfilling His promise, and I would finally meet my baby girl.

I lost track of time, but eventually the contractions did start. They grew and grew, becoming increasingly more painful. I had elected for an epidural, but had to wait for them to finish pumping fluids into me before they could issue it. The contractions reached the point where it was hard to talk through them or think about much besides them. But as they truly began peaking, the Holy Spirit whispered to me, “The joy of the Lord is your strength.”

I began repeating that silently to myself as I endured powerful contractions, doing my best to stay positive and smile (after all, smiling releases endorphins, a natural painkiller!) Then finally, before it got out of hand, they issued the epidural on a drip system, handed me a button, and told me I could up my epidural with it at any point I needed. WHAT? I was so relieved! 

A warm sensation started in my toes and crept up to my naval as my body numbed. The contractions increased in power, but I felt them less and less. Not long later, I began trembling uncontrollably. The labor nurse (a new nurse and my hero during delivery) told me that the trembling usually means that it’s nearly time for delivery, but at this point I had not even seen a midwife or OB-GYN, nor had anyone checked me for dilation. 

The Lord’s peace continued to cover me in spite.

Finally, my midwife came in to check on me. She found a little pocket of amniotic fluid which she popped and then told me things would start moving a lot quicker now. She also informed me that most likely a different OB-GYN would be taking over by the time I was ready to deliver, since it would still be a bit longer. 

Again, we waited. The labor nurse came and turned me on my side, propping some weird peanut shaped ball between my legs. She switched me to the other side 15 minutes later, then came back to switch me after another 15 minutes, but decided to check my dilation first.

She stood back up, paging someone on her device to tell them I was “complete.” Then she told me I could start pushing. 

Start pushing? After all that, it still seemed alarming to me. This was it! It was time to put forth all the effort I had, face this fear, and have my baby – and oh, the fear finally started to creep in.

The joy of the Lord is my strength, I repeated the verse to myself. I put my smile back on and focused on that. The Lord was delivering me of my fear. I was delivering my baby – a child of God, a daughter of the King of the Universe.

I had no idea how to “push”. I had decided against watching or attending classes because I was concerned it would worsen my fear. But I knew the Lord had made me and chosen me to do this – which meant educated or not, He would be sure I could do it. I clung to that and imagined the best case scenario where it was not difficult and she came right out. I remember saying something silly to my husband and mom about how the baby was going to “slip out like a fish” which became my new vision and prayer request. It made me laugh to think about it that way, and that joy was precisely what I needed to stay calm.

The labor nurse set me up and instructed me on what to do. We did a trial, which to all of our surprise since this is my first baby, I managed to get it right and immediately started pushing my baby down. I praised God and continued to pray and meditate on the Word He’d given me.

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

The nurse called for the OB-GYN, which began a whole mess. The OB-GYN decided that since I was “prime” (a first timer) that I had a long road ahead and she had no need to hurry. The nurse and at least two others outside the room fought to convince the OB to get in there since now, the midwife was gone. 

Luckily, my nurse stayed with me, reassuring me she could and would deliver the baby if she had to, but she wanted the OB to show up. She had me stop pushing, hoping to delay the delivery until someone else came in, but at that point, my baby had already begun to crown so she knew she didn’t have long. Word came in that the OB was “on her way” and the nurse had me start pushing again. At that point, I didn’t really care who delivered the baby, I just wanted to get it done! 

As the pushing went on, and my nurse prepared herself for the real deal, word finally came in that my amazing midwife was in the building and had come back to deliver my baby, even though her shift was done. 

The OB was still nowhere in sight. 

When my midwife arrived, she was equally surprised with rest of us to discover that, somehow, I was about to deliver this baby in a matter of minutes. 

I knew it was God’s strength in me. He was dealing graciously with me and had heard every request and wish in my heart. I had no idea what I was doing or how I was doing so well otherwise!

About when my baby fully crowned is when the OB-GYN walked in. She was probably there for no more than 5 minutes before the nurse and midwife were cheering for me to, “GO GO GO! She’s right there! Biggest push of your life!!” And then even through the epidural I felt this sharp sting and pressure and I prayed one last time, “GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH!” and just like that my baby slipped out.

Like a fish.

All the pain I had in that moment subsided. Just like everyone had always said, you don’t even notice your hurting once you see your baby. I watched another nurse take her and begin wiping her clean. She was beautiful! She looked just like a little baby doll – not misshapen or grey or wrinkly. Absolute, God-breathed beauty. Her eyes were already open and looking around the room. Her cry was soft and brief, just enough to say she was alright. 

My eyes flooded with tears. I looked up to my husband who was crying more than me already (love you). He faithfully stood beside me until I told him to go see her. Little Rhea looked right into his eyes and they gazed at each other – another absolute anomaly. The nurses gawked at her beauty and alertness.

Finally, they brought her over to me and I held my little girl. She even looked at me for a moment! It was the most beautiful scene. I thanked God, cradling my promised child, feeling absolutely awestruck that this baby and this story was mine. The Lord completely showered me with blessings that I know, in my human err, I don’t deserve. But His love overcomes my weakness and frailty. His love pours into me every time I look at Rhea. 

Looking back, I keep thinking about the verse the Holy Spirit brought to me. The joy of the Lord is my strength. It is such a simple concept and yet so easily overthought, but in my experience I realized that when you truly trust God and you delight in Him and delight in knowing He is in control, you are filled with victory. My lifelong fear is now a story of praise for me to reflect on and remember God’s presence and faithfulness. The Lord is so very close to us. He knows every single concern we have and He will take care of us!

“And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” – Nehemiah 8:10b

~

Special Shout-out to my Husband, Rob, and my Mom:

One of the most amazing ways God blessed me in this experience was through the love, encouragement, and support I received from both of you. 

Mom, you have this incredible way of knowing just the right moment to step in and lift me up – with exactly the right words. I am so happy you were able to be there with me and that they let you do the honors of cutting the umbilical cord! I am so blessed to have you as my example as I begin my role of mother!

Rob, you are undoubtedly the most remarkable man I’ve ever known. Your heart is pure love and I am so overjoyed that we are on this journey together. Thank you for staying at my side as I delivered Rhea and taking care of me through pregnancy and recovery. I love you! 

Maybe Being Afraid is Just One More Reason to Do It

If anyone were to ask me what my greatest flaw or weakness was, I would not hesitate to say it is fear. As much as I hate to admit it, because with every fiber of my being I want to be brave, fear has always had a funny way of controlling my life. The worst part is that when fear truly gets its way with me, I feel like I become someone else. Instead of walking in God’s grace and light, I begin to shut down and hide. 

Lately, fear has been heavily on my mind as I am about to face what I consider my greatest fear – childbirth. I can think back to when I first learned the truth about where babies come from and what my body was expected to do to prepare for that and all I’d have to endure while pregnant and then on top of that, the worst part, actually birth a human out of a very private area. I immediately decided that I would never have kids. Everything about it seemed invasive, embarrassing, uncomfortable, painful, and like something I just couldn’t do. 

That fear only grew as I got older. I actually would beg God to allow me to not go through having a menstrual cycle just so it would be impossible for me to have a baby. When it started anyway, I celebrated that it was irregular, only happing maybe twice a year. For many years, I felt blessed by that. I thought God had answered my prayer to protect me from the horrifying experience of childbirth.

This fear was also part of what kept me away from dating, because I figured if I dated someone and that turned into a relationship, one day I might get married – and oh no, what if that person expected me to have a baby? Of course, deep down I longed for God to bring me someone to marry, but as I prayed for Him to do so, the fear in me hoped that he would be someone who was not interested in having children.

In adulthood, especially once I got involved in children’s ministry, my heart began to soften like crazy toward kids. God worked very steadily on me until I wanted a baby more than anything in the world. He’d given me an amazing husband who I could tell would be a wonderful father, and I started longing to see him in that role. I wanted to see us have a family of our own and create life with him. 

However, not terribly long after becoming pregnant, my old fears started to rise. Every week that passes, every kick I feel, every time I can’t fit into another piece of clothing – I find myself fretting delivering this baby. There were several instances where the doctor’s mentioned situations that could lead to a C-section, and honestly, a part of me cries, “PLEASE!”. I want to be put to sleep. I don’t want to know what’s happening. I just want a scheduled day and time and to be unconscious and not know I’m in pain until the baby is in my arms to distract me.

But another part of me knows that is wrong. I know what lies on the other side of this fear – deliverance. Not just the baby’s! But mine. I know that once I do this, I will have conquered a near lifelong fear that has grossly affected my attitude and actions for as long as I can remember. I will have faced all the pain, humiliation, violation, and uncertainty that has kept me up at night for the last 8 months. 

And here’s the thing –

The Enemy knows this. The Enemy is the breeder of fear. Our minds do all the work, but all he has to do is drop the right thoughts around us and when we pick them up, we fall into his snare. Our lives are riddled with fears that are meant to pull us away from God’s plans and purposes. My last two posts were both about purpose and how to discern what God’s plans are for you. It isn’t until now that I’m seeing with stark clarity that one of the easiest ways to spot God’s plans, is how afraid we are of it.

God specifically promised this baby to me. She means the entire world to me already and has from the moment God declared this promise. I know that having her is God’s will for my life and that all His other plans for me are somehow entwined with this sweet girl. I know the dreams and hopes God has breathed into my soul are lying on the other side of this event – and maybe just because this event is what will teach me how to conquer fear. But one way or another, I know this is God’s plan.

So, when I look at the years of fear behind it, I see the Enemy. He has been trying to keep me away from bringing this little girl into the world for years – practically my whole life! That tells me she’s a big deal to him. And that tells me she’s a big deal to God. If the Enemy is trying that hard to keep me from having a child, then he must know something I don’t about what this child’s God-given purpose is and what will become of me and my husband as a result of this child. 

Why else would he torment me for years over it?

Now, I’m not writing this as a pep-talk for myself (though it is helping!). I’m writing this to demonstrate a way that Satan tries to take us from our purposes. The Bible declares, arguably over 300 times, not to be afraid. God tells us not to fear more times than He tells us anything else. I could restate a thousand sermons on this, but I’ll leave it at this: if God repeated it that many times, it probably means it’s the chief way the Enemy seeks to throw us off course and lead us away from God. 

Satan doesn’t want us to fulfill our purposes. He wants us to choose the safe route and to cower before man, circumstances, and our insecurities. He wants us to believe that the things in this world are bigger than us and the God we believe in. If we cower, we can’t be the light of the world. If we cower, our voices are muted. Our witness is cloaked. Our testimonies become dust. We don’t fulfill our callings, we don’t lead people to Christ, and honestly, fear can separate us from God. The way we draw closer to Him is through obedience and trust – we can’t do that if we are too afraid to do anything He tells us to do!

So, what’s the answer? How can we be brave and overcome fear and the Enemy? How do we discern and fulfill our purposes in Christ? 

The answer is ironic.

Fear God.

God tells us not to be afraid, do not fear, fear not, etc. all throughout the Bible, but then He says to fear Him.

I’ve written on this before, so I’ll keep the definition short: fearing God is to be reverent of Him. This means we are so in awe of God and who He is that we don’t have time to worry about earthly fears. This doesn’t mean we won’t feel fear, because we are human, but we don’t give in to it. We don’t allow it to control us. We know that our God is so high above our humanly fears that we don’t need to surrender to them. We know that if God said to do it, He will make a way for it to happen. 

Imagine if you were more afraid to disobey God (out of respect and love of Him, not fear of punishment) than you were afraid to face the things He’s led you to? Think about it. If you dwelled on His character and power, thought about His track record, thought about His love and sacrifice for you – doesn’t it belittle the obstacles you are afraid of? What if we started to question our fears and pray God would reveal to us the purposes in them? What if each time we had to make a big choice in life we considered which one we are hesitant about due to fear and actually took the time to question why the Enemy might try to keep us from it?

The Lord’s plans for us often seem too big for us. They might be appealing, you might even consider them your dreams, but often times we shut them down out of fear. Fear is nothing but a tool of the Enemy – a way to paralyze us or run us off. Fear is not of God nor is it from Him. Remember 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” God gives us tools to overcome fear! Power. Love. Self-discipline. And most importantly, Himself.

 So, what are you afraid of?

Maybe it’s the very thing you were created to do.

Finding God’s Purpose 101: Why God Created You

If you are a human being, you want – even need – to have a purpose in life. Everyone wants to know why they are alive and what they are supposed to do. Most people expect that knowing their purpose and pursuing it is the way of happiness.

Many Christian’s are obsessed with Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” This verse is on everything! Shirts, purses, jewelry, notebooks, tattoos, grad caps – it’s probably literally been iced onto at least a hundred cakes. Yet, for some people, this verse is upsetting. They are totally lost and they don’t see why they even exist in the first place. Maybe they once felt purpose, and now they don’t. Some may have never discovered a sense of purpose. A lack of purpose is huge reason people suffer from depression, self-esteem issues, and has undoubtedly contributed to suicides since the dawn of humanity.

 

So, over the next couple weeks, I want to address the purpose-problem. It starts with understanding why God created people, and therefore, why He created you.

First of all, God doesn’t need you – He wants you.

God is not a human being. He does not have needs like we do. He is absolutely, completely self-sufficient in every way, lacking in nothing. He was not lonely before He created Adam and Eve and He certainly was not any less powerful without them. When He created Adam and Eve it was an act of love, born of sheer will and desire. Our Father never needed Adam and Eve to love Him back – otherwise, He would have made it an uncontrollable part of their being. God’s existence, power, and holiness is in no way effected by whether humans love Him back or not.

However, in spite of His total self-sufficiency, He chose to make us. Isaiah 43:7 says that we are created for God’s glory. We are created by God and for God. He desired to give us life, to love us, to die for us, to save us, and to live with us for all of eternity. Again, not because He needs us in any way, but because He wants us.

 

I have to drive this point home because a lot of people struggle with feeling unneeded or insignificant, and it probably doesn’t help for me to tell you that God doesn’t need you.

Think about it this way. I need to drink water to live. I don’t have a choice, it’s just the way it is. If I want to exist, I must drink water. I don’t exactly enjoy water that much. I struggle to drink a healthy amount every day, but I will force myself to do so because I know I need to hydrate myself (especially since I live in a desert!). When it comes to a need, it doesn’t matter whether I like it or not. I don’t have to love it. I just have to have it.

Then there is tea. I love tea. I love every kind of tea! It will drink it even if I know it will burn my tongue. I’ll drink it after the ice has melted. I will drink it whether it’s sweetened or not. I love every kind of tea I have ever had in the whole history of my life. So, when I drink tea, I drink it because I enjoy it! It’s special to me. It’s something I look forward to and I will drink it whether I’m thirsty or not just because it tastes good.

So, which matters more to me really? The water I need or the tea I want? Obviously, the tea.

When it comes to people, I strongly believe many bad relationships and friendships are born from need. If we think we need someone for security, financial reasons, emotional stability, or anything else, we have actually demeaned that person. If we say we needthem, we are implying that they are a survival mechanism and not something that we cherish. No human being should ever, ever have to be someone’s survival mechanism. It is unhealthy and it creates codependency.

If we try to say God needs us, we are making God sound codependent on us. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to follow a God that was codependent on me. I want to follow a God that has everything He needs within Himself, but chooses to love me and humbly bend down from Heaven to be in a healthy relationship with me. Wouldn’t it be devastating if the only reason Jesus died was because if He didn’t save us, God would be less of who He is? It would make that a selfish motive, but we know Jesus died in pure selflessness. His motive was completely driven by love and desire. Jesus did not want to suffer, but He wanted to save you. He chose to suffer because His desire for your salvation surpassed his lack of desire for suffering and because He knew it was the only way we could be in relationship with Him like He truly wants.

Secondly, God made us to glorify Him.

Remember Isaiah 43:7 stated that we are created for God’s glory. Isaiah 43:21 also says we are to declare His praise. God made us to worship Him! We are not here for our own glory. We are not here to “make our own meaning” or even to “leave our mark”. Those things will likely happen if we follow God, but that should not be the intent of our hearts. God wants us to worship Him and glorify Him in all that we do and all that we are.

 

This Biblical fact is also a problem for many of us. I, admittedly, have struggled with it. Sometimes I have thought it selfish of God to create us just to glorify Him! I have wrestled with how we are told not to be prideful, yet our God wants us to boast about Him and bow down before Him. And we are supposed to forget about ourselves and serve Him – and all of that at one point had me downright angry with God. It made me feel unimportant and made me think I was serving a God that was arrogant.

But to think these things is to not see the full picture. We must remember that all of God’s commandments and ways are set in place for our good (Deut. 10:12-13, Jer. 29:11). So how is glorifying God for our benefit? And why would this be part of our purpose in being created?

I mentioned in another post that when we worship God, we are inviting Him into our presence. Now worshiping is not only singing. Worship is every pure act toward God that we do to seek Him. Reading the Bible, attending church, writing, praying, taking care of our bodies, loving other people, helping, serving – you name it. There are tons of ways to worship God, because it is the focus of our hearts that determines worship. So, when we do any true act of worship, we are inviting God to come into our hearts and effect ourselves and our lives.

By seeking God and inviting His presence, we then reap the benefit of His presence. His peace, joy, love, and Spirit surround us. We are suddenly at harmony within even in the middle of chaos. We are suddenly focused on hope and light, instead of problems and darkness. He created us because He wanted us here, He wants to love us, and He wants us to glorify Him in all that we do so that we can be in relationship with Him and receive His blessings! You aren’t going to get blessed, have peace, or feel joy until you learn to worship Him.

The other great benefit is that those who seek to glorify God are also exalted! Psalm 146:8 says, “The Lord raises up those who are bowed down; the Lord loves the righteous.” When we are bowed down in worship of Him, He will lift us up. This means He will lift our souls internally and He will lift our lives externally. God wants us raise people up who seek His glory so that other people may also be blessed. Matthew 5:16 says, “Let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” When we are living out our purpose to glorify God, we are giving God the thumbs up to exalt us so that we can give other people a reason to praise God – and in many cases, come to God for the first time.

This is what my pastor calls the “blessing cycle.” You glorify God, He exalts you. The more you glorify Him, the more you are exalted and the more you want to glorify Him. So, you are living out your purpose, God is blessing you, and God is using you to encourage and bless others. You are in a cycle going from “glory to glory” and it is pleasing to God. God wants to bless you! And He wants you to bless others for His glory so that they might enter the blessing cycle.

Everything God does is for His glory and for our good. Our purpose begins here and expands into individual, specific, God-given routes. We will talk about those next week, but for now, I challenge you to spend time meditating on what it really means to be more than needed, but wanted by the Creator and King of the Universe, and how you can start focusing your heart on bringing Him glory.

How the Darkness Almost Took Me: Part 2 – My Curiosity

I was roughly ten years old when I first met a witch. She wasn’t much of witch yet, could not do anything magical or fascinating, but she believed in magic very much. And not just the fun fairytale magic we get in Disney movies. No, this young friend was aspiring to be a witch, just like her mother and her mother’s boyfriend. I never witnessed anything special, but they had tarot cards that supposedly could tell the future and if they could just tap into their spirit, just worship the gods and goddesses enough, maybe they would obtain power.

They called themselves Wiccans.

At about ten, raised Christian, I was not very familiar with the idea that people existed that didn’t believe in Jesus. It felt evil to talk about their being other gods – and didn’t the bible say to avoid fortune tellers?

Yet, I was a very unpopular and shy child, extremely troubled by social anxiety. I knew what my friend was into was dangerous to my faith, but yet, I didn’t want to lose my bestfriend. Plus, I trusted her. Maybe Iwas wrong? So, I let my curiosity wander.

Luckily, this friend moved away and the decision was made for me that I would return to my faith and not chase after magic. I mostly let it go, though I continued to be amazed at the thought of – what if?

When I was 13, my family and I had just moved – in the middle of the school year – back to our hometown from Texas. I still was riddled with anxiety and let’s just say – people loved to pick on me. I was not popular. I had no idea how to handle my frizzed out curly hair. My wire glasses were always a bit crooked since I never stopped trying to adjust them myself. For some reason, in spite of my mother and sister’s keen sense of fashion and makeup expertise, I always found a way to wear the least flattering clothing I had and bright green eyeshadow (I thought it would make my brown eyes look hazel…).

So, in short, I was a nerd and the new kid.

I made a friend who helped me make a lot of friends. She was Christian – or said she was, at least. And while I wasn’t suddenly a popular kid, I at least had some really wonderful friends for once and felt like I belonged somewhere. I became very close to the one friend in particular. She became my new best friend for many years. I don’t want to go into tons of detail for her privacy, but I will say after that first year she had traded her Christian title for agnostic. She was very interested in paranormal things – ghosts, psychics, and supernatural abilities. I had never totally lost my interest in it, and so together we spawned a bit of an obsession. It got to the point where I was not just studying psychic powers and ghosts, but trying to obtainpsychic powers and talkto ghosts. I thought that, somehow, I was going to help the ghosts get to Heaven. I also thought that God had gifted me with an ability to “discern spirits” – which in my interpretation meant, see, hear, and talk to them.

It was here that my life began to flood with darkness. Again, I’ll spare most of the details, but I often wondered if I was losing my mind. I started seeing figures, reflections, and strange lights. I would hear voices and other peculiar noises, like melodies. I even felt like someone had laid their hand on my shoulder, head, or arms on several occasions. This was also the same time I began writing dark music about death, suicide, the end of the world, and other depressing subjects.

I was a mess!

I remember my dad calling me and talking to me when I would go visit him. He knew something was deeply wrong – the Holy Spirit had told him. He prayed for me many times, and almost every time the scary things would go away for awhile… then I’d start to miss them. Then it would come back, and usually worse.

Now eventually, I became scared enough and strong enough in my very contorted faith to choose to let all these things go. I decided I would avoid paranormal things and try my best to stay focused on God. I told my friend I couldn’t be around those things and that they were evil. I straight up called it all demonic and prayed God would protect me. My friend was good about it. She always was very good at respecting my desire to return to God, even if she didn’t believe in Him.

Well, I finally get a few years out of the deep depth, with only a few occasional slips back into my love of the paranormal. I mostly spend my time writing books that I’ll never publish and talking to that friend about her own writing projects as well as mine. Yet again, once I got to my senior year in high school, I ran into someone new.

While I had mostly upgraded out of complete nerd classification, I was now just one of those people that went mostly unnoticed. I had a couple of great friends and I finally knew a little bit more about how to dress nice and wear my makeup correctly. But something in me just longed to be noticed.

This new person I met was a gorgeous and brilliant aspiring film director. She somehow chose to befriend me of all people and with her at my side, I suddenly was bursting forth my creativity. I started to show people my music, art, writing, and was directing films in our Filmmaking course. Everything was going up! People recognized me. People actually would talk to me, and not just to get answers on the homework! And then this new friend began to slowly unravel her beliefs. Her abilities of “foresight” and a vast knowledge about the psychic and witchcraft subjects that had finally forsaken. For a short time, I fell under the spell of curiosity again. But by graduation, I had remembered how much evil it provoked and we both went separate ways.

But even after school, I became close to a girl at work. She was very invested in psychics and tarot cards. Unfortunately, I had just taken a nose-dive with my faith and didn’t even know what to believe anymore so I thought that maybe this was what I was supposed to be following the whole time. I let her do tarot readings. We went and paid a psychic over $100 a visit for her to tell me what my future held and what I was to do. The psychic told me her power came from God and I believed it. Then I watched as the tarot readings and psychic predictions began to prove themselvestrue.

That’s about when I got into using crystal pendants for guidance and trying to open up my chakras to balance my energies and unlock my psychic power. But the worst part of this mess, is that even though my Christian faith was rocky, I still believed in God Himself. So, I prayed to Him and asked Him to answer me using the crystals and tarot cards. I asked Him to help me balance my energies. But I distinctly remember one day when I started feeling some conviction and I asked Him if it was okay to use these methods to communicate with Him – after all, the things seemed to work until I asked Him to respond.

Lo and behold, the Lord said NO!

Praise God, I began to filter those practices out of my life. Meanwhile, my friends got deeper into it until they were proclaiming themselves witches, praying to Wiccan gods and goddesses, and mocking my faith in God (though stating they supported me).

I wish I could say I cut off from everything and fully turned back to God right then, but it still took me a few years to stop desiring their ways. God actually had me separate from those friends completely in order to protect me, because I struggled too much to keep my faith. I’m grateful and still sad for the loss of all these friends, especially the later ones. I think about them every day. I have dreams about them and pray for them. But I know that God has drawn boundary lines for me, and thanks to those, I now can see that all that I got into before was evil, offensive to God, and made me a child of the devil.

I’m sharing this story, though I feel much shame over these things, because it is through all of this mayhem, God revealed to me my purpose and calling. He shared with me recently that I experienced all of those odd (and sometimes frightening) situations so that He could use me as a voice in spiritual warfare. God took my greatest mistakes and sins, and is now using them to draw me closer to Him and to use me to help others see the truth in those areas of darkness. I am embarrassed to say I essentially practiced witchcraft (while calling myself a Christian) but I am so honored and humbled that God would use me in spite of it, and use those experiences.

There is no sin in our past that God can’t still turn around for good. Nothing goes to waste, nothing is an accident. Our perfect God knows what He is doing by letting us stumble and get lost. And I cannot express how beautiful it is or how much purpose is instilled when you ask God to show you why He let you do the things you are most ashamed of, and He answers.

I also shared this story to raise awareness of a growing belief system. The New Age and Wiccan cultures have been increasing over the years. The belief systems focus on self-empowerment and self-reliance which I know are not all bad. There is also a very heavy emphasis on looking into the future, which God warns us against. The issue is that the power they try to obtain is real in a way. The future they see is often relatively accurate. But the power comes from the Enemy and while it might make you feel better about yourself, more independent even, it also corrupts you the longer you chase after it. Though I was more confident than I had ever been, I became a very selfish and angry person. I did a lot of things that I regret now!  Seeing the future is also dangerous because it changes the way we act and can actually cause great damage when you try to obtain those things early or avoid them.

But there is good power. There is a good Spirit we can communicate with. There is a good God we can worship and rely on. When we follow Him, we are filled with Hispower and His wisdom. God can do far more incredible things within us and through us than we could ever do through the Enemy’s means (witchcraft, sorcery, etc). And His power in us makes us better. When God is our source of strength, energy, understanding, wisdom, and power He enables us to produce good fruits that will help us and other people. There is nothing more incredible than being used by God! So, if for any reason, you find yourself in the shoes I once was in, remember that you can tread into the darkness and use the power of evil, or you can walk in the light and be filled with the power of the Creator of the universe – who spoke the world into being, who breathed in you life, who conquered death, and sustains everything you see, hear, touch, feel, taste, and beyond. His power is greater than the Enemy’s. His power is cleansing, pure, and holy. His power is founded in love and breeds love. If you aren’t convinced, ask Him to open your spiritual eyes. Ask Him to let you see His supernatural side. You will be amazed and all the “power” that this world and below has to offer will look like a speck of dirt in the grandness of His magnificence!

How the Darkness Almost Took Me: Part 1 – My Voice

I used to worship the devil.

Not on purpose.

I read my Bible most nights and prayed to God. I attended church sometimes and even assisted in churches at times. I gave God credit for saving me from sin, for making me, and for giving me the gifts and talents I had. I thought for sure I hated evil, including and especially Satan and all of his hosts. I loved stories in the Bible where Jesus would rescue people from legions of evil forces and cast them into the wilderness. I did my best to keep the Commandments and do good deeds. I at least tried to be like Jesus and would wear my W.W.J.D. bracelets and cross necklaces and was very proud of the cross on my wall.

And yet, I had no idea who God was.

The problem began when I read in 1 Corinthians about the spiritual gifts God would give His children. I was obsessed with this passage. After all, I’d grown up watching shows and movies about superheroes, witches, and other “gifted” people. I’d taken to shows about psychics and the paranormal – ghosts, hauntings, and the like. Somewhere in this, I thought I had received some special gifts from God that I was meant to use to help people. In the next several posts, I’m going to begin unveiling some of these “gifts,” where they came from, and what they did to me, but most importantly how God has redeemed me from the darkness I was in. But for now, I am going to focus on the thing that I believe triggered the darkness and drew it closest to me.

My voice.

If you know anything about me, you know I have always loved to write music and sing. I began singing before I can even remember it, but mostly kept it to myself until I was in middle school. I would practically run off the bus so I could come home and sing while I was alone. I prayed endlessly that God would give me a great voice so that I could use it to sing about Him. Then I would attempt to sing a couple songs off K-Love and proceed to singing random Broadway music. As I got older and practiced, my voice matured and I started to feel more confident in it. I felt like God had heard my prayers and now I was good enough to start doing something with this music.

However, it was also around then that I began to dive into the deep with very dark music that in no way reflected a faith message. I began thinking that to sing about God or to even write music or sing music that was uplifting or happy was cheesy. So, I stopped singing about God. I started practicing songs that had messages of vengeance, death, suicide, anger, and aggression. I thought the darker it is, the most powerful the message. I actually thought listening to such dark music made me happy – I loved it. That was talent.

Now, I’m not here to bash secular music or even music that has a darker sound. There are secular songs that are important and even some of the best Christian music out there has a darker sound – which to me, makes them more real and relatable. But the message of the song is what is most dangerous, and it was the love I had for it and the sudden desire to make music like it that began to hurt me.

The first handful of songs I wrote and sang were riddled with evil messages and destructive themes. I sang about watching the world end, wanting to die, what death would feel like, and was in no way ashamed to use graphic/gory language to make sure it was clear that I was real and wasn’t some cheesy attempt for a music artist.

Of course, in middle school and early high school, most of us have gone through some sort of weird phase. This was just a fraction of mine. The issue was I didn’t let it go right away and also, I had specifically told God I would only use my voice for Him. I fluctuated time to time, trying to get back on track but I was so in love with the darkness that it seeped into everything I wrote, drew, and sang. My imagination was a horror movie, yet I romanticized it. By doing so, I unknowingly romanticized evil and sin.

Even after I graduated high school, I felt the pull. I wanted to please God, but I always told myself I needed to reach people in dark places by being like them, and then I could tell them about Jesus. This was just a way to make myself feel better about what I was doing, and it was a lie.

My music proceeded in darkness. One of my “favorite” songs then began with me singing, “I’m dead” over and over again before I branched out and talked about how I needed to “find my spirit and make them fear it”. I went from just being sad, to wanting to terrify people with my music. The music I composed was eerie and gives me chills (in a bad way) just thinking about it. And yet the entire time, I still believed God gave me my voice and still remembered my promise.

In honesty, it took me until a couple years ago to start at least trying to write music that wasn’t dripping with death themes. And even then, it took me until about a year ago to realize that my voice belongs to God. He gave it to me to glorify Him, not to do whatever I pleased with it. My musical gifts were lying in ruin by the time I realized that I had used them against the One who gave them to me.

God showed me that the more I lay my voice and talents at His feet, the more He blesses them and uses them. When I am composing my vocal melodies and lyrics, I have to constantly say, “God inspire me with what is right. Show me how to bring you glory. Eliminate my own ideas.” I tell you, like a hurricane, God takes over my mind. I feel His Spirit as I sing words I hadn’t yet written and notes I didn’t know I could sing. I go back and listen and I know it is not me, but God using me as an instrument. There is life in the songs and in my voice that was absent in everything I ever tried to make on my own. He has surprised me by taking my love of music that gives you chills and using it to guide me as I compose music that gives you chills from the presence of God within them. He’s shown me how to take that darkness and use it to speak truth; how to be honest and vulnerable about evil without glorifying evil.

But God has shown me something else.

This story is not just about how I came to sing and make Christian music. It’s how the power of our voices impacts us. See, in church, when they sing worship music to God there are a couple things it does for them. It opens the hearts of the people and it calls upon the Spirit of God. That’s why most churches begin with music – they want to invite the presence of the Holy Spirit to come into the building and into their hearts.

Here’s the thing: I used to sing to the darkness. I sang about death, destruction, self-edification, and glorified the things that God hates. If singing Godly worship music invokes the Spirit of God, what does singing about evil things invoke?

The Spirit of Death. Satan and all of his hosts. Demonic forces were attracted to the subjects I sang – I called them out of their depths and invited them into my heart. It is no wonder I became consumed in depression, anxiety, self-deprecation, and a desire to isolate myself. It is no wonder I slowly but surely forgot who God was and what receiving a gift from Him truly meant. It is no wonder I began to twist the truths of the Bible and believe lies. I invited evil to tell me about who I was, who God was, and what was important.

God revealed this to me one morning after I had prayed for Him to lend me His spiritual eyes so I could discern the truth from lies in my past. Again, not all “secular” music is evil and invokes the devil. But if you have a God-given gift, protect it by laying it at His feet. It is the gifts God gives us that show us our path in this world and will have the greatest impact. Satan does not want you to know that. He does not want you to use your gifts for God. He wants you to use them to worship yourself and your pain and lead you into his darkness.

Lastly, whether you sing or don’t sing, remember that your words have a deep effect on you. You might think no one is listening, but the enemy is hanging on to every word you say. We shouldn’t live in fear of this, but in frank understanding that Satan is waiting for you to give him permission to enter your mind. That being said, Christ is our salvation and protection. When we worship Christ with our words, our voices, our hearts, soul, spirit, and mind – that has the power to cast out darkness. The enemy and all of his forces will flee from the name of Jesus Christ. So say it.

When Healing Doesn’t Come

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything. I had this wonderful idea of starting a new series to help people with the trials of faith – but then suddenly I found myself overcome with the very things I claimed to be healed from.

When I first returned to my blog, I proclaimed how God had lifted me from my anxiety and depression – wow, I don’t need a doctor or counselor or medications! It was a beautiful reprieve from my pain. I knew I was supposed to help people with anxiety and depression. I felt that was finally my chance to step up and be strong for others.  But then after a series of events, it all came back worse than before. There was a sudden onset of panic in my anxiety – hyperventilation and tingling – feelings so overwhelming I thought I would faint. My body broke out in rashes. I have tension in nearly every muscle. Nightmares. Fatigue. Memory-loss. I’ve blanked out and missed whole moments of my life. Then the depression got worse. I went from thinking “I just want to sleep all the time” to hearing the word “suicide” in my mind every single time I felt even the tiniest pang of sadness.

It’s been a rough few weeks! What troubled me most is that the more I struggled, the less I felt like I could help anyone. How could I teach about God’s love and grace when I felt so far from Him? I sought Him day in and out through prayer, fasting, bible studies, prayer meetings, sermons, and trying to still help other people. My sorrows and anxieties had overburdened me to a point where I just couldn’t hear Him anymore. I wanted to die and I won’t be surprised if that thought returns again someday.

But I’m not writing this to talk about poor me and how I’ve suffered. I’m writing this because as I’ve started to hear from God again and understand His purposes, I’ve realized that God has not made me to be miraculously healed. He made me to walk beside Him on the long, painful journey of recovery so that I may walk other people to recovery, maybe alongside me, maybe someday ahead. My heart burns for people who suffer with depression and anxiety – God knows that. He put that fire there for a reason.

I want those who read my blog to understand I am not coming from some sunshine filled mountain peak. I’m in the dark valley, too. I know how hard it is. Somedays I wake up and want to fight and be strong. Other days I want to give up and find my bed in the ground. But, I want to shed some biblical truth about these subjects.

First of all, let’s talk about the guilt of depression. You might think to yourself every time you get low that you are letting God or others down. You might think God will be mad that you aren’t being more grateful, more joyful, showing more love. Why aren’t you pouring out for others? How selfish of you to think about yourself and your pain so much that you would be overcome by it! You are a Christian – depression is a bad witness.

Literally writing that stings my eyes.

I’ve thought those things and so much more almost every day in the past few weeks. Remember though, that even God feels sorrow. There’s many examples in the Bible that suggest that Jesus might have even experienced seasons of depression. Read Isaiah 53.

Repeatedly Isaiah prophesies about the servant of the Lord (Jesus) and his heavy sorrows. He calls him a “man of sorrows, acquainted with grief” (IS. 53:3b). He states that Jesus was “oppressed” in verse 53:7. The anguish is described as reaching his very soul in verse 53:11.

What’s even more, 53:10 says this is all God’s will! God willed Jesus to suffer extreme sorrows and be crushed. This doesn’t mean God liked it – obviously God is ultimately the one who felt this deep pain. But remember again the call of a Christian is to be like Jesus – that includes suffering like Jesus at times (see 1 Peter 3:20-25).

Everything has it’s due season. Sometimes God wills us to be in utter joy and bliss. Other times He wills us to experience deep sorrows. For those with depression, that will happen more intensely and frequently than it does for others. I know I would probably want to slap myself right now, if in this very moment I was feeling that deep pain. I would think “this is dumb. Why should I be a Christian? Where is God? I thought He draws near to the brokenhearted. Why did Jesus have to feel such sorrow? Does God love us at all?”

But be encouraged! If you have depression God has selected you for a deeper relationship with Him than your jovial friends can have. He has selected you to experience Him in a different way. To testify and witness in a different way. Surely, you will have opportunities of abundance where you share the joy of God – but right now, let’s focus on what you are doing that is actually good during depression.

I read a devotional today from Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman that focused on a portion of Ecclesiastes 7, about sorrow. This really spoke to me about the significance of our sorrow.

“It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, for by the sadness of face the heart is made glad. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth,” (Ecc. 7:2-3, ESV).

Here we are reading God’s word and He’s saying it’s better to feel sorrow than to laugh. Okay, wait. Seriously? God, You’d rather me mourn than feast? Frown than laugh? That doesn’t make sense. I thought God wanted His children to be happy because He loves us!

Well, here’s the deal. I love how Cowman puts this, “Accordingly, it is sorrow that causes us to take the time to think deeply and seriously. Sorrow makes us move more slowly and considerately and examine our motives and attitudes. It opens within us the capacities of the heavenly life, and it makes us willing to set our capacities afloat on a limitless sea of service for God and for others… God never uses anyone to a great degree until He breaks the person completely… It takes sorrow to expand and deepen the soul.” (From Steams in the Desert)

I kept saying to myself and to God, “I’m too depressed. How can I help anyone?” and God told me, after much waiting, “I’m using your depression so that you can help others. How can you help them if you don’t know the depth of their pain? The greater your sorrow, the closer you come to me, the closer you come, the more I will expand your wisdom and the more you will experience me.”

In some strange way, this brings me joy. Who thought I’d feel joyful about being depressed. Ultimately, what this is teaching me is that sometimes God choses to miraculously heal someone of depression/anxiety. Maybe that’s their witness because He knows that is what is best, but I think most of the time, He wants to use those things to teach us more and make us stronger. Let’s put it this way: if God doesn’t miraculously heal you, it’s because He knows you are strong enough to go to the darkest depths and still come back up. He will make you wiser. He will grow your love. He will reveal things to you that other people around you may never know or experience. It might feel like a curse. It might feel like you’re being punished or that you are disappointing God, but do not become depressed about depression. Be encouraged. Recognize those seasons as growth periods. Times to slow down from the whir of life and reflect on God and His ways and His purposes. You have been chosen to experience these things for a reason and you will reap eternal benefits if you just keep trusting God and fighting with everything you have and everything He supplies you with.

Ultimately, God does want you to experience joy, peace, and abundance. Don’t ever doubt that. He loves you immensely, but His ways are not our ways. His love surpasses our understanding. God is with you whether you feel Him there or not. He is doing something within you that will ultimately bring you joy, peace, and abundance, but you have to walk through valleys of shadow. You still have to climb the mountain to reach the peak, but the Lord will sustain you and guide you. You will know Him better and feel His love more every time you take a journey like this with Him.

“Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!”(Psalm 128:5)

This is for you: “Broken Things” – Matthew West

All In

Meditation Medication

There are countless examples in the Bible of Jesus and his disciples physically healing people. From the blind, to the lame, to those dying from the plague, to the already deceased – Jesus seemed to have no boundaries about healing the sick. And yet, how many of us today either struggle with permanent physical ailments or know someone who is? Even devote, spirit-filled people sometimes are left in poor health, and this right here is really, really difficult for me to wrap around. Ironically, just in time for me to broach this subject, God’s prepared for me a testimony. It’s a bit lengthy, but I think God brought this to me now for a reason, so I hope you’ll take the time to read my story:

After my husband and I married and gave our lives over to Christ, our lives began to change. Things became more about God’s vision than our vision. But, honestly, I didn’t have a good grasp on what God wanted from us. So, I spent many hours a week praying that God would share with me his dream for our lives. It took time, but one day I had this “revelation.” I was meditating on those prayers, wondering what God had in mind, when several crisp visions and pieces of understanding hit me. It was amazing! I didn’t know much detail about anything – how it would happen or when – but I knew God had a big calling in several areas of our lives.

The biggest one: we are supposed to have a son.

I was a little dumbfounded by that. Honestly, I love children but the thought of having my own was never that appealing. I had a lot of reasons, but anyone in my family will tell you I’ve always been at least mildly against it. My husband didn’t have much of an opinion on it either. We both were in the “if it happens, okay – if not, okay!” mindset, though I was leaning more toward it not being okay if we had one. So that is how I know the revelation I had wasn’t my own. I was terrified, upset, and a little excited. Of course, having God reveal anything to you is thrilling – but really? Why did it have to be that?

I told my husband all about what God shared with me, and he reacted close to the same as I did. We both agreed God must mean this is for later down the road. That brought me some peace, and almost made me excited. I would get a few years to let this settle in and grow on me!

Well, as time went on, this lingered almost constantly in my mind. I started to be okay with the idea, then I started to wonder when God intended this to happen, and then I started to wonder if I actually wanted it to happen. I started praying again, but God wasn’t responding. I started to doubt the revelation, thinking maybe I just made it up and was being silly anyway. Maybe God was up there chuckling at me for being so anxious about this subject. I had my husband pray about it, asked him to ask God for confirmation. I kept asking for confirmation myself too. I’d say, “God, I’m going to open my Bible and I want you to say whatever it is you need to say to me,” and I’d open it and there’d be something about a child.

At this point, I realized my revelation simply must be right but maybe I wasn’t spending enough quiet time with God to hear him answer. I knew I had some time off work coming up in September, so I vowed that during that time, I was going to stay in deep prayer, study, and mediation until I understood God’s vision and what my role was in it.

Almost immediately after this, I got very sick. It started with a minor throat infection, turned into tonsil stones, canker sores, a swollen and very infected throat with blisters as far down as doctors could see, then a fever, shakes, chills, a cold, and a very high resting heart rate. I had three different strep tests, an EKG, and blood work done. They even put me on a beta-blocker to calm my heart down. Most importantly, she ordered me to take off work for the next four days.

I was physically miserable. It hurt to talk, swallow, and even breath sometimes– and forget eating anything besides chicken noodle soup and mashed potatoes. And naturally, my husband had to work all of those days, so I was stuck in my room alone with no energy to do anything besides—

Pray. It was exactly what I needed. Sure, I felt terrible, but God had me right where he needed me. He wasn’t about to let my busy work schedule get in the way of what he needed to tell me. He needed me out of the game, unable to do anything productive besides focus on him.

So that’s what I did. The first three days I sat and studied the Bible, read books by my pastor and his brother, prayed, and listened. I was so sick that it was very hard to concentrate too, so I started writing down my prayers – an old trick I used a few years ago. It helps you stay on subject and keep your mind from wandering, then you have that prayer recorded so it’s easier to see all God does!

On the third day, I was getting really frustrated, bored, and a bit depressed. After all, God told me I was supposed to sing (as I’ve mentioned before) and I could barely even talk! I figured I’d recover but I wanted to sing right then! I wanted to use my gift and sing praise songs and write music to God, and I was getting so impatient. What made it worse, I realized I didn’t even really know how to “worship.” Worshipping isn’t just singing praise, it’s about adoring God for who he is. I’m great at thanking God for what he does, but I didn’t know much about adoring him for who he is. In my frustration, I picked up my prayer journal and begged God to teach me how to simply adore him instead of just appreciate what he does for me.

Within the next thirty minutes, I felt urged to pull up some of the music files my husband and I have made, then I went to a certain song we’d let go, then suddenly I was editing the sound and changing the lyrics—

Then I was singing – yes, singing, with blisters down my swollen throat, with vocal chords not used for at least a week – singing. I recorded the new lyrics, and the whole song was about God’s awesome character and power. I was thrilled! And almost immediately after recording, my voice went back to its sick self.

It was incredible to experience that. I knew that was part of why God pulled me out of my work routine – he needed to show me the key to falling in love with him so I could feel passionate about music again and be inspired. It was so amazing to have my voice healed just enough to record that song so I wouldn’t lose it, even though I lost the strength in my voice again after.

What it really did was lift up my faith. So, by day four, I knew God was on a mission. I had reached a point where I was ready to listen and learn from him. That day, I picked up my prayer journal and wrote all about how incredible he is. How amazing it is that he listens to all of his children all at the same time and has such a deep personal relationship with all of us at once! Then I thanked him for the teaching and inspiration and the people in my life. Then I came back to my original question: What about this child?!

By starting my prayer focused on God: his character, love, power, wisdom, strength, etc. I made myself open to hearing his voice, not just my voice asking questions. So this time, when I brought it up, the most breathtaking thing happened – the Holy Spirit wrote through me.

This part might sound crazy to some, but I know what I experienced! As I was writing, I started to feel the Holy Spirit’s prompting, just like it says in the Bible, that the Spirit will guide us in prayer. Then suddenly I felt this overwhelming sensation and my eyes basically glazed over, I wasn’t looking at what I was writing, but I could hear the words of my prayer loudly inside my mind. So I wrote fiercely what was resounding within me.

God answered me. He told me his vision for this child he’d simply mentioned to me before – he wants us to have this child soon, to raise him with the Spirit, and grow him in God’s love and way. He’s supposed to be part of our spiritual journey, part of the other elements God revealed in the original revelation. He wants him to grow to be a spiritual leader.

This was a lot to take in. I literally stood up to walk away, get some water or something, but instead fell on my knees and wept. I was overcome with emotions – mostly humility and gratitude. God had listened and answered me, and he had a big dream for us that we were so afraid of before, but now I wanted it to happen. He changed my heart, and my husband’s heart about having a child – and I think that was the biggest demonstration of his power.

I was still sick, however. I had to return to work the next day and I was totally out of it. Between still feeling shocked about what God said to being sick and having to go back to my management job, I wasn’t ready. I felt pathetic. I couldn’t concentrate and I felt like I was in slow motion. I looked terrible and people were pointing it out. I still couldn’t talk or hear well. Plus I was having an anxiety crisis because I realized I couldn’t keep taking the beta blocker if we were going to try to get pregnant, which is what God said to do!

I got home and turned this up to God. I told him bluntly, “You said you want me to have a baby, and you want this to happen now, so I need you to heal my body because I can’t take that medication and be pregnant. I give my physical body to you like everything else I have. Do with me what you need to fulfill your will and purpose, but I know you want this child so whatever is wrong with my heart – heal it, in Jesus Christ name!”

Like I said, I get my prayer tips from David.

But what was beautiful, is the next day, I was alright. I told God I wasn’t going to take that medication. I was going to trust him to keep my body healthy for his future plans. My heart rate returned to normal. My voice came back. My illness left me. I still took time outside of work to rest and recover, but I knew that I’d prayed in accordance to God’s will, he’d answered, and he’d healed me.

Again, I know that was lengthy, and you’re probably trying to figure out where I’m going with this in terms of God’s promise for physical healing. Honestly, this subject is very difficult for me for a lot of reasons. But what I learned in my down time with God is that he has a plan and purpose for everything, even sickness.

I am guilty, sadly, of accusing people of not having enough faith and not being healed because of that. And while I think in some instances, a lack of faith is the problem. The Bible even says that God cannot perform miracles for those who do not believe (note: “cannot” because he will not act outside of his own rules and order). But there are plenty of earnest believers that are not healed, that have permanent illnesses, injuries, deformities, or diseases. What it comes down to is this: we cannot understand God or his purposes. We can only work with what he reveals and seek him desperately for more wisdom and understanding in those circumstances. In some backwards seeming way, God might be protecting us by allowing us to suffer physically. He might be using it as a tool to connect with us, to heal us emotionally or spiritually. Maybe he’s trying to get your attention. Maybe he has your attention but needs to hold it this way. Maybe he’s going to heal you at exactly the right moment for your greatest benefit or the greatest benefit of his kingdom (to provide testimony). Maybe he’s going to let you stay that way to teach others compassion or to teach you to accept help. Maybe he is testing your faith. There are more reasons that I can think of or list!

Just remember, God always works for the good of his children. I learned a lot by turning my sick time into prayer time. He healed me right when it was appropriate, not a moment sooner. There are things I still have, like a broken tailbone, that he hasn’t healed. But I trust him with that. I think physical ailments show us dependency on God. He wants us to rely on him. When we are weak, he his strong – that goes for physical situations too.

God’s promise for physical healing is personal. He ultimately grants us a new body in heaven without pain or illness. But whatever your struggle is, give it to him and trust that no matter what he does, whether it’s healing or not, he is doing it for you, even if there seems to be no reason, no lesson, no hope in it. Trust him to provide for you and to pull you through – not out of – your physical suffering. God’s ways are beyond our comprehension – every type of suffering is a chance to further our faith and dependency on God.

In closing to this series, if you have prayer requests for healing, whether it be physical, emotional, or spiritual, please send them to me! I would love to pray for you. If you like, I can anonymously post your requests for my readers, so they may pray as well!

Write to me or send requests here: amberrylanrivers@gmail.com

A Heart Too Broken To Mend

There comes a point where there is seemingly no solution to our pain. No matter what causes it, you just feel broken. You try to occupy yourself constantly with petty distractions – whether it’s hours of YouTube or Netflix or drinking or being around people constantly. Your emotional suffering can be anything from overwhelming to dull and dead. But it’s there. Always. And no distraction, no drug, no drink, no person, no medication is going to fix your broken heart.

If you’ve read my testimony, you know I have struggled with depression and anxiety on a deep level. I didn’t go wildly into detail but we will leave it at I was reaching a point where I was hoping to get smashed by a semi. My circumstances weren’t terrible, and certainly not the worst I’d ever seen. But my foundation in faith was gone and therefore I stood in quicksand, just waiting for it to pull me under, and sometimes hoping it would.

When I look out, I see a lot of broken hearts. Sometimes I see even worse – empty chests. That’s where I was. Dried up. Empty. And when your heart decays this much it affects everything. The relationships around you, your emotional state, your work ethic, your passions and hobbies, and even your physical health.

You can’t bandage your way to healing. You have to heal from the inside out. It starts with a new heart.

God says, “I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you,” (Ezekiel 36:26a, ESV).

This changed my life. God tells us that he will start us completely new on the inside. You can’t fix what you have, so he’s going to give you a new start. Whether you know Jesus or not, like him or don’t like him, you’ve probably heard that Christian’s become “born again” because Jesus Christ died on the cross for our salvation and rose again. That’s what God is talking about here. He’s going to completely resurrect us from the sin that is hurting us and bring us new life.

This means not only are we now saved from damnation, but we are changed here and now in our current life.

Ezekiel 36:26b-27 says, “And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a new heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules!” (ESV).

It just gets better! Now, God is telling us that he’s not just giving us a new heart and a new spirit, but he’s also going to put HIS Spirit in us. This is one of my absolute favorite things about God. He actually sends us his own Spirit to guide us and help us through our lives. Of course, many people may want to cringe at “obey my rules!”, but God is an orderly being. The rules are meant for our good and our protection. When we stray, we leave God’s protection and enter ourselves into a whole lot of trouble. If we listen to the Holy Spirit, we are led to things that will grow us, make us better and stronger, help other people, and advance the kingdom of God so that more people may know his incredible love. Sounds like a better path, right?

So what does this all mean for us? Ephesians 4:14-19 paints a nice picture:

“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith – that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.” (ESV)

The Apostle Paul is about as wordy as I am. So let’s break this down:

First of all, Paul tells us that the Holy Spirit strengthens us with his power into our inner being. Divine, mystical strength? Um, yes please! This is how we endure our suffering right here. This is why once we have a new heart and spirit it will prevail through all trials and prosecutions. There is literally an all-powerful, all-mighty Spirit inside of me and all who allow him in. That means there is nothing, not one thing, that could ever stand between me and my salvation or my purpose given to me by God. That means when someone tells me off, when I am sick, when I am injured, when I feel weak, a living being inside me will hold me up. So stand down depression, stand down anxiety — no one has power over the Holy Spirit of God.

Secondly, Paul tells us that Christ is in our hearts. So what’s in my new heart I didn’t have before? Christ. What does that even mean? That now we can begin to be molded into his image. Jesus Christ was the only perfect human being to ever live. He is the ultimate role model and teacher. We can never be him, but with him in our hearts – his love, his compassion, his mercy, his wisdom, his understanding – we are able to become like him. So perfectionists, you wanna be perfect? Let Jesus into your heart and see how close to his image you can get, because he is the only perfect thing worth striving to be like. When you have this new heart of Christ, it becomes much easier to forgive others, move past your grudges and regrets, heal, and live a joyful and effective life. It becomes way more difficult to throw your heart and other peoples’ hearts into a blender, or live bitterly, or fall into pits of depression.

Lastly, Paul tells us that the ultimate key to this is love. “The love of Christ that surpasses all knowledge.” This means Jesus loves us beyond all reason and understanding and that if you let him into your heart, your love will grow and grow and grow until you start to experience the “fullness of God.” That is to say, God will work in you, around you, for you, and most importantly through you. You become a vessel baring the heart and spirit of God.

I could go on about this forever. There is nothing in all the world that will ever heal you like a heart transplant from God. If you are sick of feeling bitter, anxious, angry, sad, heavy, empty, lost, disconnected, broken, or depressed – you can go to the doctor, you can take a pill, you can see a counselor, or drown yourself in whatever you have to distract yourself. Or, you can give it to God. Tell him how you really feel, even if you have to scream it at him. He can handle whatever you have to say. Just know, he is there, full of mercy and healing. He wants to heal you from the inside out. He wants to make you feel alive and restore a purpose to you. Ask him for a new heart, for his strength, for his Spirit. The Lord never fails a promise and he will draw close to you if you draw close to him (James 4:8).

Verses to think about:

Philippians 4:11b-13: “…for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

Colossians 1:11-12: “May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light.”

How I Know God is Real

As I wrote in my last post, losing my faith destroyed me on the inside. Regaining it, brought an incredible healing and ripped me from depression and a destructive path.

But what changed? What happened to shift my perspective and raise me from my ashes?

It started many years before. My dad, a fairly new pastor, mailed me a book called The Reason by Lacey Sturm, a Christian rock singer. At this time of my life, I was not close to my dad. I didn’t understand him. I didn’t like the decisions he made. I thought he had gone off the deep end with his religion and I just was not willing to go with him. So, I thanked him for the book, promised to read it, and tucked it away.
Well, if you read the last post, you know there came a point when I just couldn’t take my depression and anxiety anymore. I was miserable and probably miserable to be around. I did what every one does when they reach such a breaking point – I called my mom. She stayed on the phone with me for hours, listening to me cry and try to explain the depths of my pain and worry. She comforted me and related to me and gave me some really great advice about how to cope and heal. The best thing she told me was a subtle reminder that God was with me.

After I hung up, I felt this incredible need to pick up that book my dad sent me. I felt something stirring inside me as I read it. I could practically hear Lacey sitting there telling it to me with this light in her eyes as she talked about her very similar struggles to mine. At some point, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I set the book aside and started praying. And God was with me. I felt him there, guiding the words as they fell out of my mouth. I felt the tension of regret, anger, and hurt leaving my body. I just gave myself to God. Trusting him with all. It was incredible and I wept tears of gratitude and joy for the first time in a very long time.

But then, I woke up the next day feeling incredible conviction about my relationship. My boyfriend in many ways had replaced God in my life. It wasn’t anything he’d done on purpose or that I consciously done, but I had placed him high above everything in life, even God. That morning God reminded me of something I had realized long before but it never sunk in.

When I was a child, my dad had also urged me to start praying for whoever I would be with someday – that God would prepare us for one another and bring us together at the right time. Of course, being a little punk, I told him I wouldn’t be with anyone ever so why would I do that. But, actually, I prayed this most everyday of my life. Ironically, the same time I started praying was the same time my boyfriend had picked up his guitar and started learning to play. Then years of mirroring situations go by and here I am with this man. Music had brought us together and was the thing we believed we were called to do together. And, our lives had so well prepared us for each other that we can understand one another in ways a lot of others can’t.

So God reminds me of this. He reminds me that he made us for one another, prepared us through our lives, and that when the time came to be together it was a promise to me fulfilled by him and I had taken this beautiful blessing and used it to replace God.

This hurt. Faith is not a walk under the stars. There’s a lot of pain in growing and becoming someone better, and when God gets involved, he definiately pushes you to become more that you even meant to be.

I prayed for forgiveness and asked God to take control of my relationship. This honestly was the most terrifying prayer I’d ever prayed. I basically said to God, “You are in control and I am letting go, even if I lose this man so I can be closer to you.” The struggle really came when I told my boyfriend this. I was crying so much I could barely speak. I thought for sure if I told him that we had trampled on God’s blessing and were living in sin by living together and placing each other above God that he’d leave me. I knew his love was strong, but I didn’t expect him to stick around while I chased after something as “uncool” as a relationship with God.

Long story short, that’s not what happened. My boyfriend instead became my husband within the month. We started doing bible studies together, then found a church where the sermons actually directly tied into the Bible studies we had done (the Holy Spirit is so intricate and dedicated to each of us!). We pray together and have given our whole lives to God.

So this is how I know God is real. He healed me from my soul; something medications and counseling could never do. He prepared my husband and I for each other and for our destiny together since we were children. He used my dad to give me that book years before I needed it and used my mom to pull me back into His presence. He spared my relationship and turned it into something so much more beautiful than before. I hear his Holy Spirit guiding me, prompting and teaching me. I have strength when I don’t have strength. I have peace when I don’t have peace.

The more you give to God, the more blessing he pours over you. If God wasn’t real, the more you give away, the less you would have. But he provides. He is more than enough. And he is real.

Masterpiece

I’m not going to write this

To tell you that you’re perfect  

That angels sing when you speak

Or that your eyes could heal the sick

 

I wouldn’t want to put you under

That sort of heavy pressure

To think you had expectations

Of which cannot be measured

 

I’d much rather tell you

How extraordinary you are

Peculiar and distinct

And not the slightest bit subpar

 

Your smile is heartwarming

Your laughter, contagious

Your life is a gift

That the Holy Father gave us

 

Yes, you are a masterpiece

Wonderfully and uniquely crafted

God’s beautiful creation

By divine hands, were you drafted

 

Though you are but a man

Not a seraph or a god

You are precious in my eyes

However broken, however flawed